Week 5 in the NFL Season either went one of two ways for each and every viewer out there. There was absolutely no middle ground with some ups and some downs for fans this week, just diarrhea dumpster fires or ascents to your 72 virgins in heaven. Everything went exactly your way and the crashing and burning never seemed to stop…just the way it’s suppose to be in football. Fans were willing their teams to upsets like the Jets over the Jaguars, 23-20, in OT, and the Texans destruction of division rival and Super Bowl dark horse Titans, 57-14; or they were smashing the panic button for all its worth like every home in Foxboro Sunday afternoon. Fantasy football diehards were battling in the trenches with their emotions all day after they left Deshaun Watson (33.7) on the bench for Matt Julio-less Ryan (8.9) or started Christian McCastrateMe (8.9) instead of Bilal Powell (29). Even though NFL fans and fantasy footballers were all over the place, it was nothing, I mean nothing, compared to the bipolared reaction of the last play on Monday night football. If you had Skins +7, I give you all the remorse I could ever have. If you had Chiefs -7, you’re a lucky son of a bitch. But aren’t we all lucky sons of bitches for getting to watch the NFL every week of the fall. Now on to the power rankings.
- Kansas City Chiefs (4-0)
The Chiefs went into the season starting a QB on the hot seat after trading up in the draft for one, a 3rd round rookie RB from Toledo who couldn’t beat out Spencer Ware in camp, and a wide-receiver who only had true success returning and running trick plays as a rookie. Everyone was expecting them to ride their defense until they dropped dead in the Wild Card Round of the playoffs like every year. Now Alex Smith, Kareem Hunt, and Tyreek Hill might be the best skill player trifecta in the league, and oh yeah, their defense still fucks.
2. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1)
The Eagles were responsible for this:
and this over the weekend:
Two solid Power Moves are good for spot #2.
3. Green Bay Packers (3-1)
Aaron Rodgers tossed 4 touchdowns while losing two more pieces of his offense in Devante Adam and Ty Montgomery. Don’t matter and never will when you’re arm’s stronger and more accurate than a 15-year-old 2 years into puberty, but still one year from driving.
4. Detroit Lions (3-1)
When you go into this guy’s house, beat him 14-7 in a defensive bloodshed, and walk out tied for first place in the division, those are some real gritty power moves.
5. Buffalo Bills (3-1)
I had them 14 last week, but if you go into the defending NFC Champions home and beat them a week after upsetting the Denver Broncos, while also being a NFL analyst favorite for a 2018 top 5 draft pick at the beginning of the season, you earn a top 5 spot in a different kind of rankings. They’ve also ended a team’s chances for a perfect season in every one of their wins.
6. Denver Broncos (3-1)
It’s almost to the point where beating the Oakland Raiders isn’t that much of a high end win anymore. Everyone’s doing it nowadays. It’s like pot, you do it a few times then move onto something more life and body threatening.
7. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
#BillsMafia Forever. So, the Bills definitely weren’t their worst loss of the weekend. Their worst loss’ name would be Julio Jones. Too bad they have a bye week because Matt Ryan without Julio Jones is worse than McDonald’s fries without the salt. They would just be fries, and he would just be Matt Ryan…NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
8. Los Angeles Rams (3-1)
Just another team that most people expected to be bad, just walking into another team’s house, in this case, Jerry World itself, and shoving the football down their God damn throats. All the talk’s about the youngest head coach in Sean McVay teaming up with the old defensive coordinator in Wade Phillips. What about the OC? His name’s Matt LaFleur, he’s coming off a season as the Falcons QB coach aka the MVP’s coach, and now he’s making Jared Goff look like a future star in this league. Watch out NFL, we got a new QB whisperer in town.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
The Steelers offense still looks amazing on paper, but they still lost to the Bears, who got dismantled by an injury ridden by Packers team (yeah I’m going to use every part of the word count I can to give the Packers more praise for the good job they’ve already done this season), and have only beat the Browns, Ravens, and a Case Keenum led Vikings team. Just please show me something. I have to watch you because you get the 12:00 spot on ABC every week, so please just live up to your offensive potential and soothe my eyes with your explosive offense.
10. Carolina Panthers (3-1)
I guess when you’re winning you can say anything you want, right Cam Newton?
Oh wait you can’t say anything, yogurt sponsors?
Damn Cam, you fucked up. I wonder if he knows he’s a supporter of the RompHim.
11. Minnesota Vikings (2-2)
The Vikings have only lost to two good teams, and they didn’t have their starting QB for either of them. I want to see them back with Sammy B before I decide how good they really are. I think the new story of their season is who can get back first? Sam Bradford or Teddy Bridgewater? That would be some kind of ACL shredding race.
12. Washington Redskins (2-2)
I still can’t believe Josh Doctson dropped that touchdown pass to go up 27-20 on the Chiefs with about 2 minutes left in the game. That guy costed me a Kirk Cousins mini-autographed helmet. I’m still in denial right now. Whatever though, the Redskins drew a hard slip to start the year with losses against the Chiefs and Eagles, my top 2 team so right now. They’ll start piling on the wins.
13. New England Patriots (2-2)
I don’t even want to put this this high because their defense is that BAD. They’ve made two National Championship winning, mobile QBs look like Aaron Rodgers in the last two weeks. Good thing there not playing one in week 5….oh shiiiiitttt. Somehow they’ve still ended up 1-1 in nail biting games both times. Expect another close shoot out that’ll come down to the wire on TNF.
14. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
The Cowboys problem thus far must be their defense, besides Demarcus Lawrence’s 7.5 sacks through 4 games, because the sophomores Dak and Zeke are balling out almost every game. It’s looking like a wild card, 1st round exit for the boys. Maybe they should get Wade Phillips back to lead their defense after he just helped beat them. I don’t think Jerry can handle someone potentially having as much experience as him on the same staff though.
15. Houston Texans (2-2)
The more games Deshaun Watson plays, the better the guy gets. He started the year as a back up to Tom Savage, and now Watson’s racking up 5 tuddys games and donating thounsands of dollars. What can’t the guy do? The defense is no joke, Will Fuller’s back, and I’m not sure if the Titans and Jaguars got murdered harder this weekend.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
Jameis finally looked good with a 330 plus yard and 3 TD masterpiece. The only issue is it was against the 0-3 now 0-4 New York Giants. TNF against the struggling Patriots will show if Tampa Bay is the real deal or if they need yet another year to make the step. I’m guessing, as a player, having NAF bloggers like me saying you need to take one more step to be great is the most annoying thing on this Earth. Actually, disregard everything I just wrote. The Bucs are ready, you’ll see tonight.
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
Rank these teams.
Lost to the Jets last week, scored 20 points the last 2 weeks, allowed 57 points to a 1-2 team, have only beat the 49ers and Colts. What’s that, you want to rip your eyes out? Yeah, same. Once you get past the first half of the Power Rankings it’s a shit show, crap shoot. I like the Jaguars the best out of those 3 teams, so they get the nod. Plus I think Jalen Ramsey and Myles Jack are electric, and Blake Bortles really needs to decide if he’s good or not because I think he doesn’t really know.
18. Oakland Raiders (2-2)
This whole really good offense lasted about 1 week, and that was week 2 when they put up 45. Oh, that was against the Jets? Well, huh, jeesh. The Raiders are crashing and burning. Their QB is fucked, Amari Cooper will drop anything in his path, and Marshawn really is too old. Burn the whole thing down, and start again next year with Saquon, kinda like the Cowboys did with Zeke.
19. Tennessee Titans (2-2)
You were a preaseason contender? Now, Brandon Weeden might be you’re QB? See Raiders, Oakland above.
20. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
When you can only beat teams like the 49ers and Colts, and lose to teams like the Packers and Titans when they were legit, it really shows that you’re not a playoff team. Is it finally Pete Carrol’s end in Seattle?
21. New York Jets (2-2)
I don’t know If any of you believe in karma, but I certainly do. For example, earlier this week, I spit some gum on the grass, and 15 minutes later we had a surprise quiz in physics that I big time failed. If you need more proof, just look up all the shit Ben McAdoo talked this offseason, then compare the Giants and Jets record, and now the only thing uglier than the Giants play is McAdoo’s stupid fucking face.
22. New Orleans Saints (2-2)
The offense is clicking, and Alvin Kamara is going to beat out Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram and NFL great Adrian Peterson for the starting backfield duties, maybe as soon as after the bye week. I love it. Drew Brees has always been a check down, bomb it deep man. The Saints are 2-0 in the last 2 weeks, they get to rest after the London game, and they’re undefeated in the division. Not too shabby.
23. Baltimore Ravens (2-2)
The only reason the Ravens are higher in the rankings than the Cardinals is because they’ve beat the two bad teams they’ve played by more points than the Cards have. A 20-0 win over Cincinnati and a 24-10 win over Cleveland beat the two 3 point wins the Cardinals have mustered over the 49ers and Colts.
24. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
25. Chicago Bears (1-3)
They beat the Pittsburgh Steelers, so they get to be the best 1-3 team. Yay, nice job. Now that that’s out of the way, I’m beyond excited for Mitch Trubisky to make his NFL debut against the Vikings on Monday Night Football for two reasons. Listening to John Gruden talk about Trubisky for 3 hours will be a dream come true, and I hope he plays well, so he can kiss as many titties as possible that night.
26. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3)
Here’s another close match up for the ole Power Rankings. Both the Bengals and Colts are 1-3, and they’ve both only beat the Browns. I’m a wins man myself, so instead of even looking at their other games, I’m going to assume the Bengals are better because they beat the Brown by more than the field goal the Colts scraped out to win by.
27. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)
See Above. Also, the sad thing is, I don’t really think the Colts are any better with Andrew Luck as the QB. They’re pretty bad no matter who’s behind center in my opinion. Andrew Luck is teetering on the edge of bust if he can’t get healthy.
28. Miami Dolphins (1-2)
I love football becuase you can make outlandish stat versus time statements, and they’re 100% true becuase they play once every week. For instance, the Dolphins haven’t scored a point in a half a month. I don’t think anyone can successfully coach the Dolphins by the way. Adam Gase just yells at his players over national media and hopes it works.
29. Los Angeles Chargers (0-3)
The Chargers have lost to 3 teams that are in my top 10, and they were all relatively close games too. I’ll just keep saying it, Philip Rivers is the unluckiest guy in the world. There’s nothing else to it. He had a chance with LT, and it didn’t work out. I’m sorry man, it’s just how it is.
30. New York Giants (0-4)
See New York Jets.
31. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
Brian Hoyer isn’t going to win you games. I’m definitley seeing the plan in place to let John Lynch do his thing in the draft, and build this team from the bottom up. It’s going to be a few years, but it was a good start in April when they got 3 picks to move back 1 spot.
32. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
Turns out Myles Garrett was injured. That’s why I’ve heard nothing. He’s suppose to play this week though, so that’s cool. Also, the two most dynamic offensive players on the Browns are Deshonne and Duke, D and D, Double Ds…nice.