I’m a simple man with simple wants and needs. I wake up in the morning, take a shower, and maybe have a bowl of cereal. Then I go to classes, take some tests, and try to learn a few things along the way. After, I come back home; I try to finish my homework from ther day, and grab some dinner from the cafe when I’m finished. Lastly, I usually treat myself to a night football game or maybe some ice cream before I turn in for the night so I can repeat again the next day. I don’t complain; I do my best; and I go through my life. It’s pretty nice. I like it. All I ask is that I can wake up and put a fresh, clean pair of underwear on every morning before I start my day. Pretty simple right?
NOPE! Can’t have that because there’s an elderly guy that lives out of his camper parked on the street, next to my house that sneaks in and swipes all my boxers while I’m asleep! Alright, I’m cooling down. Because believe it or not, the accusations I’m making are pretty problematic, and surprisingly, not just for the guy who’s stealing my drawers. First of all, you can’t just accuse people of stealing your boxers due to the laws of social boundaries. With that statement, I’m basically declaring that I’m insane enough to think that an old guy is running around lifting underwear from college students, but he does live in a camper on the street, or that I’m so self-indulged that I think I’m so special that someone would specifically want my used underwear. Very problematic from my standpoint, and I’m sure you all understand why it’s not a good thing to be accused of stealing people’s undergarments. Not a good look. So naturally, were going to figure this thing out by the books. I’ll give you all the cold, hard facts, then we’ll make some outlandish theories and plans of how he’s doing it and how were going to stop him. Like I said, by the books.
As you can imagine by my simple lifestyle, I wear Hanes, one solid color, men’s regular boxers for the most part with a few American Eagle designed ones thrown into the mix. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, I was starting to have to do laundry every 2 or so days because I was running out of clean boxers to put on. I could only find two pairs of my boxers in my room; one plain colored Hanes pair and one plaid American Eagle pair. I checked with my roommates to see if our laundry had been mixed up by accident. Nope. I checked at my girlfriends place to see if I had left a pair there (humble brag). Nope (never mind). I checked my sports locker to see if I had switched them out for a pair of compression shorts. Nope. 7-8 pairs of perfectly good boxers were just gone in the wind without a trace.
Now at about this same time period, maybe a week or so earlier, this camper shows up in our neighborhood. Mind you we live in a neighborhood where there’s already been 3 shootings on our street this school year, yet we still live next door to a college campus. All the neighbors just assume that someone couldn’t find a place to park, and they were just leaving it there for the night until they made some room for it. Wrong again. Within the next few days, the camper is parked directly outside my bedroom window on the street and an old man emerges everyday to hang out under his awning or just sit in his front seat rippin’ darts while reading the paper ever since. The camper occasionally moves around the street a little bit depending on the parking, but this guy primarily lives in his camper with a perfect view into my bedroom. Luckily for me, my blind doesn’t close all the way, so I get to watch him watch me sleep all night. About a week and a half ago, I had to go to Walmart and buy a 6 pack of Hanes, black and grey shades, because doing laundry that many times a week was painful to say the least. Since then, one more pair of the newly bought stash has disappeared, leaving me with 5 of those and my 2 original pairs.
(Video taken the morning of 10/19/19)
I don’t have any proof or evidence to back this up besides the missing underwear, but stay with me because this theory doesn’t have too many holes. About the same time as my camper guy came into the picture, one of my roommates, Tap Down Sports’ Waitstaff, left his keys in the front door lock overnight. Not a good move since our place was robbed over the summer when someone forgot to lock the door, even though two people were home. Luckily, nothing was stolen overnight, so we didn’t think much of it. However, camper guy, being the thrifty guy he is, could’ve easily stolen, had a copy made, and have the key back in the door before anyone noticed.
We discovered the keys in the front door when we had woke up and were trying to leave for class on a school day. Both of us have 8:50s most mornings, so we wake up around 8:20 and are usually leaving by 8:40. So assuming camper dude has been keeping tabs on us, which is fairly certain because he lives literally 10 yards from our home, he could’ve been at any 1 of the 3 locksmiths within 1.6 miles of our house right at 8 am, had a copy made, and had the key back in the door by 8:40. Then he could easily use that key to sneak into my room at night with nobody knowing. I’m a pretty heavy sleeper, and my bed room door doesn’t lock because its a converted dining room. My roommates wouldn’t have woken up because they didn’t even noticed the first time someone broke into the place. Lastly, since he’s living his camper, he’s probably got some money saved up from lack of bills and taxes, so he could afford to do this. Also, we had a toilet clogged on Sunday that nobody claims to have done, so maybe it was him. I think this is a pretty legitimate, reasonable, and possible theory to what’s going on with my boxers.
This is the easy part because this guy’s 100%, without a doubt, addicted to acquiring the underwear of others. He can’t handle himself if he knows there’s a freshly used pair of boxers just laying around waiting to be pounced on. We’ll use his own passion for the love of underwear against him. Always fight fire with fire. I’ll clean my room, set my iPad up in the corner on my mantle, and lay a nice little pile of dirty clothes will all 7 of my pairs of boxers mixed into the bunch. I’ll make sure to make a big scene about it when he’s sitting outside his camper during the day, in order to peak his interest, and confirm he’ll be entering deep into the night. When I go to sleep, I’ll turn the iPad on and let it record through the night. There’s no way all 7 pairs are present in the morning. This guy’s an animal when it comes to kidnapping undergarments. He’s the Baron of Boxers, the Czar of Compression, the King of Knickers, he wouldn’t ever miss this chance at grabbing those boxers because…his life depends on it. Now we wait for camper guy, underwear thief to make his move.
*More information will be available when known.