Well guys and gals, this CFB season, so far, has been absolutely wild. We’re talking crazy things like the Baylor Bears losing to Liberty…and UTSA… and Duke… and then almost beating Oklahoma. There have been upsets, QB’s throwing seven tuddys’, and Saquon Barkley eating opposing player’s families (Except against that fucking vaunted Northwestern defense). Throughout these stupidly fun six weeks, there’s been an accumulation of players that have had games and gathered stats that should definitely qualify them for a Heisman Trophy bid. However, due to the bull-shit politically natured, and SEC owned Heisman committee, these players will never get the recognition they deserve. BUT DON’T YOU WORRY. Uncle Touchy… Oops I mean, Uncle Sonny is here to give these boys the attention they so rightly have earned. These guys are in no particular order, I’m just listing them as they come to my head, while I sit in my Educational Psychology class as I ignore my selfish and pompous-ass professor. Enjoy, folks!!!
- Ryan Fucking Finley (QB, North Carolina State)
- Ok, so get this. Everyone in the CFB Universe is busy talking about bitch ass Baker Mayfield who can’t even beat IOWA STATE AT HOME. Meanwhile, Ryan Finley is out here burning the crops and raping the men (NOT FUNNY) of every AP Top 25 team he comes across (Florida State and Louisville). Yes, he may of lost to the Cocks of South Carolina in week 1, but if we look back at the tape (because it never lies) you’ll see that Finley’s receivers decided to not only shit the bed, but then not even have the morality to clean it up. Drops plagued the Wolf Pack receivers early on, and it continued throughout the game, including a critical third down drop with less then 30 seconds left in the game as Finley’s swaggy ass lead them down field. So, lets forget about the SC game and instead focus on the fact that he hasn’t thrown a pick yet with a impressive 10 TD’s through the air. He’s completed 71% of his passes and thrown for almost 1800 yards through six games, which ranks 10th in the nation. I guess you can argue that Mayfield has better stats and that he wins the big games, buuuuuuuuutttt it seems like he has a problem of winning the easy ones (IOWA FUCKING STATE AND HOUSTON IN 2016). Finley wins both kinds of games, and his stats are just as impressive as Mayfield’s.
- Micah Kiser (LB, University of Virginia)
- First off, Micah Kiser is a great name. I’m not sure why, but it just sounds and feels like a football name. Love it. Annnnnyyyyway, Kiser is a fucking beast. That term gets thrown around ALL the time nowadays, but Killa Kiser is the legit definition of beast. NFL Scouts have a dab of pre-cum in each and every one of their boxers briefs after watching his tape, which is, in essence, football porn. He has racked up five sacks in five games, and had a monstrous performance against Indiana where he had 14 tackles and two sacks. His stats at this point of the season are fairly impressive and his play style/technique will transition well to Sunday afternoons next season.
- Johnathan Tool Time Taylor (RB, University of Wisconsin-Madison)
- Don’t act like you didn’t see this coming. This dude is a MOTHER FUCKING TRUE FRESHMEN and is straight rumbling. Here’s an interesting fact, Taylor has more rushing yards, rushing touchdowns, and is averaging more yards per carry than Saquon Barkley (Barkley only has 5 more carries than Taylor, so you can’t use the excuse that Barkley gets more carries). Also, I do understand that Barkley has the pass-catching aspect, and Taylor hasn’t recorded a reception this season. However, that is because of the offense that is being ran over in Mad-Town doesn’t really capitalize on pass-catching RB’s. Either way, Taylor has 767 yards rushing, averaging 8 yards a pop, and has 9 TOUCHDOWNS. He’s also had two 200+ yard rushing games, and this is with Bradrick Shaw getting a decent amount of looks as well. If Taylor played for an SEC or a PAC-12 team, he’d be the headline on every fucking ESPN and shitty Bleacher Report article. The point is that Johnathan Taylor is bitchin’.
- Jalen Davis (CB, Utah State University)
- This guy is literally Jabrill Peppers, but playing on a bad team in a not very good conference. Davis has really had a coming-out of sorts early on this season. Although he needs to improve in the tackling phase of the game (17 total tackles), even still he has racked up two sacks. As well as five picks, three of which have been returned for a TD. Dude’s a straight gamer.
- Zach Abey (QB, U.S Naval Academy [Navy])
- I’ll be out in the open about this, Keenan Reynolds should of won the Heisman back in 2013 and 2015 to become the first two-time Heisman winner since Archie Griffen back in 1975, but triple-option QB’s don’t get the respect they deserve (I’ll have to write a whole other article on that). It seems that Zach Abey will be receiving the Keenan Reynolds Treatment this season, even though he has a staggering 870 yards on the ground with nine touchdowns. His passing stats aren’t anything to be amazed by, but he’s in a run-centric offense. When he does throw the ball, he’s clocking 12 yards per completion and has five touchdowns and two picks. What I’m saying is that Abey going to get damn near 2000 yards rushing and 25+ TD’s, but no one is going to know about it except me cause I’m a fucking genius. ABEY FOR HEISMAN.
- Matt Gay (Place Kicker, University of Utah)
- Ok, so just hear me out. The Heisman trophy is defined by their own website as so. “The Heisman Memorial Trophy annually recognizes the outstanding college football player whose performance best exhibits the pursuit of excellence with integrity. The winners of the trophy epitomize great ability combined with diligence, perseverance, and hard work.” I’m pretty sure we all know that Matt Gay’s face is the image you see when you read that. If you think Matt Gay isn’t outstanding and doesn’t epitomize great ability, diligence, perseverance, and hard work then you find and watch the video of his PAT against Stanford and tell me differently. I would just put the video in the article, but I’m too high to take the time to find it and put it in. Matt Gay has put through 16 of 17 field goals and is a perfect 16 of 16 on extra points. The only kick he missed was from 50+ yards out, and then later in the same game he drilled a 56 yarder. I’m guaranteeing that Gay doesn’t miss another kick all year.
So, with nine weeks and the bowl games still left in this marvelous college football season, I’m sure that more of this should-be Heisman contenders will arise, and then fade away into obscurity like that one guy we all knew in high school that ate girl ass on a consistent basis, but he didn’t know that every one else knew… That was me… I was that guy.
Anywho, stay hard and keep that motha’ fuckin’ tap down!
The Greatest Football Mind on the Internet— Sonny Anderson