To be entirely honest, (Wait a second, when has anyone associated with this brand ever tried to lie about the greasy details of a story? Ever read O’Kane? That’s what I thought…straight press on this site.) I was still experiencing the cold sweats, nausea, migraines, depression, and all-around body decay associated with a mid-July, relapsed NFL-aholic up until Week 3 of the NFL season. Weeks 1 and 2 featured just two watchable games in the Chargers losing to the Broncos on a missed field goal as time expired (Younghoe, clean your shit up, man) on MNF Week 1 and Eagles/Chiefs just playing a sound, gritty game in the afternoon during Week 2. Literally, the other games were either blowouts of contenders over Saquon Barkley sweepstakes qualifiers or single digit punt fests of incapable offenses pretending that their defenses were squaring off in World War 3. I might as well have watched Sunday afternoon baseball games instead, it was that bad. But the stars finally aligned, the Kardashian’s all got knocked up, the NFL returned to its All-American glory in Week 3, and everything is right in the world again. Jared Goff and Brain Hoyer lead their teams to an offensive plethora on Thursday, a sentence nobody thought would ever be written. The Bears, Bills, and Jets, literally 3 of the 4 worst teams in football, upset the playoff capable Dolphins, Broncos, and Steelers and made a few horrible gamblers very rich in the process. Lastly, the Texans just about made the 16-0 New England Patriots 1-2 to start 2017. It was some hell of week, the only kind of week that can have grown men crying, laughing, screaming, cursing, and praising all that is good for a few short hours of escape from the bullshit that is life, the only kind of week the NFL can give you, and I’m so all in on Week 4 it hurts. Here’s my post week 3 power rankings.
- Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
I’m just going to start these rankings guns-a-blazin’ and takes-a-firin’ and say that Kareem Hunt is the best running back in football right now even without Ezekiel Elliot’s legal issues, David Johnson’s injury, and Le’Veon Bell’s holdout hangover taken into consideration. When you pair him up with a defense featuring ball hawking Marcus Peters and quarterback killer Justin Houston, that team is just simply gross.
2. Atlanta Falcons (3-0)
I hate the Falcons more than anything being a Packer fan. Our only two losses in the last 10 months have come to the least iciest NFL franchise of all time, and every time I think about it, I just think about all the other playoff disasters I’ve dealt with in my lifetime from 15-1 and out in the Divisional round to Brandon Bostick’s I don’t even know what to call it. Regardless, the Falcons are 3-0 with wins over two legit NFC teams in the Packers and Lions.
3. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
Pretty big surprise here, but the Eagles took care of business against a good Redskins team in Week 1, lost to the Chiefs by a touchdown in week 2, who I obviously think is the best team in football, and beat a desperate Giants team with one of the best young recievers of all time on Sunday with a 61 yard game winning field goal smacked right in Ben McAdoo’s stupid fucking face.
4. New England Patriots (2-1)
I’ll move them up in the rankings when they don’t need G.O.A.T. heroics in the last minute to save their asses after giving up 417 yards to a Texans team who barely managed to score a touchdown against the Bengals. Did I mention it was at home also. That being said, Tommy B is great, and they’ll probably figure it out.
5. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
Yes, I’m a homer. Now that that’s out of the way. The Packers lost to the NFC’s best team, not without a fight, made the Seahawks look like trash, and beat a desperate Bengals team with a new offensive coordinator, meaning they had less film and idea what the Bengals offense was going to do out there on Sunday. Plus we have Aaron Rodgers, the Bad Man who does Bad Things on the football field.
6. Detroit Lions (2-1)
They’re the other good team with a narrow loss to the Falcons. Just a pube away from being 3-0 and atop of the NFC, but instead the referees made a controversial game deciding call on Tate’s TD, and they’ve spent every second and resource defending it since. It was the right call though.
7. Washington Redskins (2-1)
Hey, they got off to a slow start week 1 against a good Eagles team. Then proceeded to get the job done against the Rams, and absolutely toy around with the Raiders by not allowing their whole team to get over 100 yards of offense until the 4th quarter. That’s literally Globetrotters over Generals shit right there.
8. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
The Titans are the only team in the league that I honestly think could run the triple option and not be terrible. I’d say that sentence alone says they’re a top 10 team. Plus they put up 37 on the Jalen Ramsey Self Proclaimed Best Defense in the League.
9. Oakland Raiders (2-1)
Here’s the hottest take you’ll read all day. The Raiders offense was the biggest shit show in Washington DC last weekend. They’re still young and dangerous though with the offense clicking in weeks 1 and 2 over the Titans and Jets.
10. Denver Broncos (2-1)
I think the Broncos have the best match of above good defense to good offense in the league, but they can’t win unless both sides are equally good on the same day. The defense is always going to give up 2 to 3 TDs and the offense will usually score 2 to 3 as well. There’s going to be a lot of close games. The more I think about it, the more I realize the Broncos and Lions are basically the same team, with the Broncos being a bit better on D and the Lions better on O.
11. Dallas Cowboys (2-1)
The Cowboys seem like they’re a thousand times worse than they were last year, but nothing’s really changed that much. I just don’t think the O-line is as good anymore and that could easily be the world of difference. Also, can Zeke just be suspended or not? At this point he could probably when a civil settlement for the amount of his life the NFL has wasted.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1)
A team with Roethlisburger, Brown, Bell, and Bryant should be putting up 30 a game, but instead they lost to the Mike Glennon lead Bears. They’ll figure it out or somebody will get suspended, either way they’re going to move on this list.
13. Minnesota Vikings (2-1)
The Case Keenum is a good NFL QB bullshit can stop anytime now. He threw well against the Buccaneers D without Brent Grimes, Kwon Alexander, and Gerald McCoy getting injured every 3rd series. Now that that’s addressed, Diggs and Thelin are studs, Dalvin is a horse, Rhodes might be the best D-back in the game, and their coach is a certified nut case. The Vikings are legit no matter who’s the signal caller.
14. Buffalo Bills (2-1)
I really should have them higher considering they’ve yet to give up more than 16 points and whipped the Broncos right back to the stable last week, but if you only score 3 points against the Panthers, then you can’t be that great. If they win they’ll be top 10 next week though. #BillsMafia
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1)
When you have you’re first winning record after game 1 since 300 B.C.E., you deserve to be in the top half of the power rankings. Plus the defense fucks.
16. Los Angeles Rams (2-1)
Their first win was a 2 pick six effort, and their second win was a Jared Goff, Todd Gurley coming out party. If one of the sides of the ball balls out, the Rams actually have a good shot to win. Sean McVay (you only decade older than me son-of-a-bitch) is a really good NFL coach. Just realizing if any half of a team plays well, any team can have a good chance to win.
17. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
The Ravens defense had so much hype after they started the season 2-0 against the Bengals, who have since fired their offensive coordinator, and the Browns, who are…well you know…the Browns. Then they gave up 44 to Blake Bortles and company, and now they’re one of the most average teams in the league.
18. Carolina Panthers (2-1)
The Panthers are the weakest still above .500 team in the league right now mostly because they’re wide receiver and defensive back situations are quite painful. I’m guessing all they do at practice is run Oklahoma because they can’t stand watching the speed guys play patty cake on the outside.
19. Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
The Seahawks are always a pretty good team, but not a great team, and they got beat by two pretty good teams. Also, their only win is a classic 12-9 NFC West viewership decliner, so a big win against the Colts is very much needed in week 4. Ehhh, enough bullshitting around Connor, everyone hates the Seahawks, and I hope they lose every single game. The only reason I would ever care about them is if Pete Carrol just tried to wrestle the other head coach after the game at midfield and call that a win for his team instead.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)
The Buccaneers have had the roughest start of any team in the NFL in 2017. Week 1 had been on their calendars from the minute they narrowly got eliminated from the playoffs in Week 17 last year. Then the hurricane happened, their game got canceled, they still beat the Bears, and then lost half their defense to injury before the Vikings game. Hopefully their luck turns around or this could be a looooonnnnnnggggg season.
21. Chicago Bears (1-2)
I don’t have any idea what’s going on in Chicago. They almost knocked off the Super Bowl runner-up in Week 1, got pounded by Jameis and the Bucs Week 2, and then upset the contender Steelers in week 3 in OT. I’m pretty sure Ryan Pace hates John Fox’s guts and is just trying to give him the worst team ever, but John is such a good coach that he finds ways to win. The NFC North might just be the best division in football.
22. New Orleans Saints (1-2)
Quick! Name a defensive back on the Saints. “Kenny Vaccaro.” He got benched in a game this season already. “Shhhheeeeeeetttt.” Yeah the Saints defense has been awful for years. Drew Brees still tosses around milk darts on the regular to any receiver they throw out there, Alvin Kamara is pretty damn electric, but they couldn’t hold a team to less than 30 if they started the game at -7. They should draft straight defensive players for the next 5 years, and maybe Drew Brees can get one more shot.
23. Houston Texans (1-2)
Texans versus Patriots in week 3 was the best game of the season so far, hands down. I may have been on the record numerous amounts of times saying that Watson will never be a good NFL quarterback, and so far, he’s stuffing those words right down my throat. It pains me to say it, but he’s looking like a future star of this league.
24. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
The Cardinals might as well throw this season away after losing David Johnson until December. I guess Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald are playing well. The Cardinals are going to be really bad in like 2-3 years.
25. Miami Dolphins (1-1)
They lost to the Jets?!?!?! To the fucking Jets?!?! Here’s and idea. Adam Gase should go out and get Mark Sanchez to play QB for the Dolphins. He’s so intertwined into that organization that he probably would of found a way to win and at least he’s better looking then Jay Cutler.
26. New York Jets (1-2)
Maybe they should bring back Mark Sanchez too? On the positive side, the Browns remain the NFL’s laughingstock all by their lonesome now. P.S. Robby Anderson and Geronimo Allison are the same guy I think. They both blow up for big games every once in awhile, are fast, skinny, and kinda tall.
27. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)
This is my favorite story of the entire week. It makes me absolutley giddy thinking about all the questions and headlines that’ll appear after Jacoby’s win and 3 TD performance. Is Jacoby better than Jimmy G? Did the Patriots trade the wrong backup QB? Is Andy Luck not practicing and playing in Week 4 because the Colts couldn’t afford to bench Jacoby when he’s playing this well. I hope he continues these winning and tuddy streaks for the story lines alone.
28. New York Giants (0-3)
Everybody’s favorite NFC East and Super Bowl dark horse is 0-3 and 0-2 in the division already. Not looking good at all considering all Ben McAdoo did this off season was talk shit to the Cowboys and the rest of the NFL. I’m pretty sure Benny just sat in his office drawing up savage quotes rather than figuring out how Eli Manning was going to throw a TD without Odell Beckham on the field in week 1.
29. Los Angeles Chargers (0-3)
Who would’ve guessed the Rams were going to be the best team in LA this season, certainly not I. The Chargers offense is solid, and they have some legit defenders in Casey Heyward and Joey Bosa. They just have bad luck in being one of the best divisions in football that features the Broncos, Raiders, and Chiefs. Philip Rivers may also just be the unluckiest football player to ever step on the gridiron.
30. Cincinnati Bengals (0-3)
The really got their shit together after not scoring a TD in the first two games to almost beating the Packers at Lambeau Field. I did hear though that almost every team that gets a new offensive coordinator mid-season has a little surge at first, then the opponents realize they’re the same bad offense and start whipping them again. Is this the end for Marvin Lewis?
31. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
The 49ers and Rams, hahahahah, really put on a show and resurrected the life of Thursday Night Football after the Texans and Bengals tried as hard as they could to end it in Week 2. For that, I thank them. I think it would be really beneficial for this franchise to try to keep two people at the head coach and GM positions for more than one season. They’ve just been doing the Sam Hinkie Process with multiple people instead of one poor sap.
32. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
Deshonne Kizer is actually one of my favorite players in the NFL. David Njoku is also really good at catching TDs. People should get excited about the Browns. How’s Myles Garrett doing by the way. I haven’t heard anything about him since the draft last April.