Here’s My Few Theories About Johnny Manziel’s New Body


  1. He’s replacing his crippling sauce and drug addiction with food.
  2. When they planned this trip, he didn’t want to be the only one with A cups.
  3. His AA sponser said to tone down the hard liquor and drive Buschies into his gullet instead.
  4. He’s going to back to college to finish his degree, and along with college comes peer pressure for parties and stress for school, and along with those comes alcoholism and obesity.  As we all know.
  5. He thought “Fuck it”
  6. He’s making an NFL comeback with a more Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisburger body type plan.  I mean that’s some pretty good company.
  7. He aligns with Mitch Trubisky’s “kissin’ titties” motto so thought he should get a pair for himself.
  8. He’s even more into hunting now that he’s not playing football so he’s shooting shotguns, while shotgunning beers.
  9. He wants to abuse his body in the same way he abuses alcohol
  10. Being lazy and fat is a nice lifestyle.  You can eat whatever you want whenever you want to.  That’s my logic.
  11. Him and his girlfriend are getting pretty serious in their relationship, so they’re at the point where they start to let themselves go.
  12. He switched from alcohol to weed, and now he gets the munchies too often.
  13. He realized that Cody Kessler will go down in history as a better QB in Cleveland than him.
  14. He gave up on playing in the NFL when he discovered that he couldn’t even get a try out with the Jets who have QB’s named Ryan Fitzpatrick, Bryce Petty, Christian Hackenberg, and Josh McCown.
  15. He gave up on playing in the NFL when he realized the Bears would rather pay Mike Glennon $45 mil over 3 years and trade away the entire future for 8-5 Mitch Trubisky than give him a tryout.
  16. He’s pregnant.
  17. He was actually drunk the entire time in college when he won the Heisman, so he’s trying that strategy because he was worse when he gave up drinking in the NFL.
  18. He’s going into coaching, so he wants to look more washed up to fit the persona.
  19. There’s more cushion for the pushin’
  20. He’s actually a pocket passer at heart.  He got too involved in the dual-threat QB hype of college.

I’m pretty sure they are all right in some kinda fashion, but your welcome for the pictures…internet perves.



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