Eli wrote this drunk. He’s a good guy, we promise. Enjoy this preview though.
AKA “Dude”… that would be my preferred online name, if you call me by my name, I will be mad online-bro.
It all started November 30, 1996. That was the day that this world was graced with my presence. At a hospital that I’m not sure the name of, but I’m almost certain it was Regions in the Twin Cities. My OB-GYN is quoted as saying “Wow, he looks like he’ll become a blogger when he’s 20-years-old, while drunk, while confidence made him tell his good friend to hire him as a blogger.”
My parents grew me up to respect my elders, although I may deviate from that rule. (Fuck Lebron, Curry, Grayson Allen, WINSLOW TOUCHED IT, and Tom Brady). The whole me-hating-Tom-Brady thing has nothing to do with the fact that he is one of the best looking people in the planet. It’s only because of the fact that he is one of the worst quarterbacks to have ever played the game of football. I don’t wanna go further on this topic because I will end up covering it later on in my career.
I was raised proper, and I do not want to besmirch the name of anyone. By that I mean anyone that I care about, AKA; if you’re not on my good side, I will make fun of you until the cows come home. I’m a homer through and through. Go Packers, Badgers, Brewers, Bucks, and lets hear some noise for my hockey boys in Chicago. Yeah, I’m from Northern WI and I am a full on Blackhawks fan. Always have been, always will be… Fuck the Preds.
My favorite alcoholic drinks are Busch Light, Miller Lite, and Ronny D: Black Cherry. Maybe sometimes I’ll take a little bit of Vodka. If you’re ever in the mood to make someone take a pull, or shotgun a beer, just wait until I’ve had a couple, and then I’ll be willing to drink almost anything. Please don’t, but if you want to, I’d be willing to finish your drink for you if you don’t want it.
I’m a huge baseball fan, as long as the Brewers are winning. I also have a never-ending love for the Packers and any Badgers sport. Trust me though, I keep in touch with all of the other sports, I recently decided to follow a lot of people on Insta and Twitter.
Other things you might need to know, is that i only drink Fiji water or Smart Water, Fiji water is my absolute favorite. Mitchtern was one of my first friends, for sure was my first friend that I remember. In current day times, Doublin White is my #1 Snapchat friend if that means anything to you.
If you want to know where my priorities lie, here they are; Amery, Wisconsin, Packers, Badgers (Football first, B-ball second), Brewers, Blackhawks… in that order. My goal is to cover all sports fairly (except Steph Curry, MN Wild, MN Twink, the Vikings, Lebron, Becker, and finally…MOTHER FUCK FLORIDA).
After all of that I hope I am allowed to be inducted to the Funny People Hall of Fame. #1 is Connor #2 is Sonny, #3 is Eli, #4 is anybody else. I’ll fight anyone, nobody is better than WI. I’ll never betray my potential readers. I love you bitch….. aint never gonna stop lovin you…. BITCH.