Lavar Ball Dropping L’s Like its His Business. Actually, it is His Son’s Life, and He’s Ruining it.
This is probably how the meetings went with the billion dollar sports brand companies:
*Lavar and Lonzo walk into the meeting room*
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: We’re excited to have Lonzo here. We can’t wait to make Lonzo a part of our family of decorated professional athletes.
LaVar: You bet your ass you’re excited. It ain’t everyday you have a hall of fame mix of MJ, Kobe, and LeBron’s marketing appeal and Lonzo Ball walk into your building.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: Alright. Now Lonzo, we are prepared to offer you a multi-year deal worth enough millions to keep you, your family, and friends financially stable for life without ever touching your contract money. How does that sound?
Lonzo: That sounds amaz…
LaVar: Nah fuck that. I’m thinking Big Baller Brand teams up 50/50 with you. You supply the capital, resources, time, and effort, and Big Baller Brand will contribute LaVar “Mothafuckin” Ball and his boys. That’s a once in a lifetime offer.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: Um Okay. But Lonzo, what do you think? I bet you’ve always dreamed of seeing yourself up on those billboards or in all those commercials side-by-side with your NBA idols like LeBron James, Steph Curry, and James Harden, while showing your skills to the whole world. What do you say? Sign with us.
Lonzo: You’re spot on. I want my dreams to come tru…
LaVar: Instead, how about I take control of all marketing, branding, and operations of your company, i.e. become the C.E.O. I mean my credentials speak for themselves. Then I change the name to something along the lines of Big Baller Brand, in order to bring Me, you, and my boys to the top in a week.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: Are you even listening to the deal we have on the table for your son; the deal that he eagerly wants.
Lonzo: Yeah Da..
LaVar: Do you guys have the other big sports brand companies on speed dial? Call them up, and we bang out a deal to combine brands into one Big Baller Brand company, which I, of course, control. LaVar Ball taking over the sporting world, that what I’m talkin’ about.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: What? You know we have Markelle Fultz, Malik Monk, De’Aaron Fox, and Jayson Tatum lined up for meetings later? Have you ever heard of them?
LaVar: The only names I know begin with L; LaVar, Lonzo, LiAngelo, and LaMelo. Boy, those are the only names everyone in the world are gonna know.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: Are you insane? We don’t even need your son.
Lonzo: Dad stop plea…
LaVar: We’re not talking about Lonzo, we’re talking about LaVar. I’ll bring home the bacon; I’ll put food on the table; I’ll bring you to the mothafuckin top. All you gotta do is ask.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: I believe this meeting is over. Close the door on your way out.
LaVar: I say when meetings are done. This meetings done. We out. C’mon Lonzo.
“Lavar and Lonzo leave*
Lonzo: Dad, why do you always do that?
LaVar: Daddy knows best, lets go talk to ABC about changing that A to an L for LaVar Baller Channel.