This is probably how the meetings went with the billion dollar sports brand companies:
*Lavar and Lonzo walk into the meeting room*
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: We’re excited to have Lonzo here. We can’t wait to make Lonzo a part of our family of decorated professional athletes.
LaVar: You bet your ass you’re excited. It ain’t everyday you have a hall of fame mix of MJ, Kobe, and LeBron’s marketing appeal and Lonzo Ball walk into your building.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: Alright. Now Lonzo, we are prepared to offer you a multi-year deal worth enough millions to keep you, your family, and friends financially stable for life without ever touching your contract money. How does that sound?
Lonzo: That sounds amaz…
LaVar: Nah fuck that. I’m thinking Big Baller Brand teams up 50/50 with you. You supply the capital, resources, time, and effort, and Big Baller Brand will contribute LaVar “Mothafuckin” Ball and his boys. That’s a once in a lifetime offer.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: Um Okay. But Lonzo, what do you think? I bet you’ve always dreamed of seeing yourself up on those billboards or in all those commercials side-by-side with your NBA idols like LeBron James, Steph Curry, and James Harden, while showing your skills to the whole world. What do you say? Sign with us.
Lonzo: You’re spot on. I want my dreams to come tru…
LaVar: Instead, how about I take control of all marketing, branding, and operations of your company, i.e. become the C.E.O. I mean my credentials speak for themselves. Then I change the name to something along the lines of Big Baller Brand, in order to bring Me, you, and my boys to the top in a week.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: Are you even listening to the deal we have on the table for your son; the deal that he eagerly wants.
Lonzo: Yeah Da..
LaVar: Do you guys have the other big sports brand companies on speed dial? Call them up, and we bang out a deal to combine brands into one Big Baller Brand company, which I, of course, control. LaVar Ball taking over the sporting world, that what I’m talkin’ about.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: What? You know we have Markelle Fultz, Malik Monk, De’Aaron Fox, and Jayson Tatum lined up for meetings later? Have you ever heard of them?
LaVar: The only names I know begin with L; LaVar, Lonzo, LiAngelo, and LaMelo. Boy, those are the only names everyone in the world are gonna know.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: Are you insane? We don’t even need your son.
Lonzo: Dad stop plea…
LaVar: We’re not talking about Lonzo, we’re talking about LaVar. I’ll bring home the bacon; I’ll put food on the table; I’ll bring you to the mothafuckin top. All you gotta do is ask.
Nike/UnderArmour/Adidas: I believe this meeting is over. Close the door on your way out.
LaVar: I say when meetings are done. This meetings done. We out. C’mon Lonzo.
“Lavar and Lonzo leave*
Lonzo: Dad, why do you always do that?
LaVar: Daddy knows best, lets go talk to ABC about changing that A to an L for LaVar Baller Channel.