Draft Day, that special day of the year where everyone who’s ever looked at a football becomes an analyst. From your girlfriend who says she loves sports, but searches fucking Pinterest during every game, that guy in your friend group who bandwagons any team that is remotely popular, or the piece of shits you see on twitter that think their geniuses for commenting how busts didn’t work out (Hindsight Hot Take Heros).
At BSHW, we like to add a twist to draft day. Whoever gets the least amount of picks right has to write God’s Gifts on their triceps…Andrew Quarless Style.
(These are the type of fucks that are going to be ruining twitter tonight regarding the draft. WR my ass.)
Enjoy the mock, drink beer, eat wings, and love football you God damn beautiful Hard Woodies.
The Greatest Football Mind on the Internet:
- Browns: Myles Garrett (DE/EDGE)- He’s really thick.
- San Fran: Mitch Trubisky (QB)- Gotta some how get back into the playoffs, and Bitch Trubisky might be the gate-keeper.
- Bears: Solomon Thomas (DE/EDGE)- WHEN the Bears take Solomon Thomas, he’ll play in Chicago his whole career. This is a Julius Peppers type player.
- Jaguars: Marshon Lattimore (CB)- They lost Davon House to free-agency, and Jalen Ramsey wants someone his age to hangout with in the secondary.
- Titans: Jamal Adams (S)- Need a big name for the defense. Boost jersey sales.
- Jets: Leonard Fournette (RB)– He’ll get mentored by Matt Forte. What more could you ask for.
- LA Chargers: Deshaun Watson (QB)- Ole’ Phil Rivers is on his way out. Watson is a mirror image of Marcus Vick, without the criminal record. Chargers will regret not snagging him while he’s there IF they don’t make this pick (but they will).
- Panthers: Derek Barnett (DE/Edge)- We all know the Julius Peppers was a pitty signing. Mario Addison is slow and fat, and is good trade bait. Derek Barnett has a chance to add and learn a lot from the already established pass rushers in Carolina.
- Bengals: Reuben Foster (ILB)- Cincy gives zero fucks about a diluted piss test. Foster is a special player, and may even be the missing piece that will get the Bengals past the first round of the playoffs. Just kidding, the only move that will get the Bengals farther in the playoffs in the firing of Marvin Lewis and letting The Red Rocket be a player coach.
- Bills: Corey Davis (WR)- I know of a lot of draft nerds have Buffalo taking Mike Williams here, because he’s more pro ready (supposedly). Bills will take a guy who is more weather ready. Davis played at Western Michigan which is in Kalamazoo, and ITS COLD AS SHIT IN KALAMAZOO. I’m positive about this one.
- Saints: Patrick Mahomes II (QB)- You know deep down in your heart that the Saints are looking for someone to replace Drew Brees. Why not bring someone in that can be groomed by Sean Payton and Brees? People will call me stupid for this, but fuck yourself.
- Browns: Jabrill Peppers (CB)- He’s the best player on the board. It’ll happen.
- Browns (They will trade Joe Hade, a 2nd rounder, and a 3rd rounder to Arizona): DeShone Kizer (QB)- Kizer is quoted saying “I have the body of Cam Newton and the brain of Tom Brady”. What’s there not to love?
- Eagles: Jonathon Allen (DT)- Allen is known for creating plays for the rest of the rest of the defense by blowing up holes. I know for a fact that Philly HC Doug Pederson loooooooooves BBC’s blowing up holes.
- Browns (They trade Isiah Crowell and their second 2nd round pick to the Colts): Mike Williams (WR)- Now that they have the QB in DeShone Kizer, they’ll add a young thyck receiver. Mike Williams could catch a shooting star out of a cloudy night sky.
- Ravens: Ryan Ramczyk (OL)- They need a fat guy to protect the Inferior Flacco (Check out my article on NFL Brothers), so who better than a fat guy straight from the greatest state in the Union. Ramczyk is born in Wisco, and he bleeds UW-Stevens Point yellow and UW-Madison red. Love this pick.
- Redskins: Malik Hooker (CB)- I know I’ll get flack for Hooker falling this far, but the guy isn’t experienced enough to play as a number 1 corner. He’d be perfect behind Josh Norman and Bashaud Breeland. Let the youngerster learn.
- Browns (They’ll trade Joe Thomas and a 4th rounder to the Titans): John Ross (WR)- HOLY SHIT HERE COME THE BROWNS. They need more receiving threats after losing Terrelle Pryor to the Skins. John Ross is TOO athletic to not have as a target for a SUPER QB to throw to.
- Bucs: OJ Howard (TE)- Well, the whole Austin Seferian-Jenkins experiment didn’t work out, so they’ll get another crazy athletic dude.
- Broncos: Taco Charlton (DE)- Best player and best name on the board.
- Browns (The rest of their draft picks get traded to the Lions): Garrett Bolles (OT)- BUILD AROUND THE GUY WHO IS BASICALLY OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST. Really good O-Line guy who has the type of big ole’ bubble butt that make Mike Mayock wake up with wet underpants. Plus they traded Joe Thomas earlier in my draft, so that’s a pretty large hole to fill (Kinda like your moms hole).
- Dolphins: Forrest Lamp (OG)- This man has played in 42 straight games. This man also kicked ass at his pro-day, the combine, and in his Shrine game.
- Giants: Zach Cunningham (ILB)- I feel like this guy has played and been dominate at Vandy for the last 27 years, but now is a perfect time for him to take his game to the next level. He’s the type of guy that can be on the field on any down because of his extreme athletic ability.
- RAAAAAAIIIDDEERRS: Dalvin Cook (RB)– Yeah whatever, I get it. Marshawn Lynch is good, but you know who is going to be around longer? Mr. Cook. Let him marinate as a passing down RB and special team ace. Or use him as trade bait. No one really cares, cause Mark Davis and the Raiders are going to Vegas to do coke and kill hookers in a few years.
- Texans: Obi Melifonwu (S)- My sources tell me that the Texans are going all-in, no tag backs, go and get fucked on Tom Savage. Gotta take the best player available. They wouldn’t be wrong for picking a guy like Obi’wan Kenobi, great combine numbers show that.
- Seacocks: Quincy Wilson (CB)- This guy epitomizes why Florida is now DB- University. Just a gamer.
- Queefs: Malik McDowell (DE)- He’s a D-Lineman that had 24.5 tackles for a loss in a college defense. Scouts love stats.
- Cowboys: Kevin King (CB)- The last name says it all. He’s a king of the secondary. Get ready Dallas, you have a new Dion Sanders, even though Kevin King is nothing like Dion.
- THE GREEN BAY FUCKING PACKERS: TJ WATT (EDGE)- Wisco born and bred, the superior Watt, and a can’t go wrong draft pick. Let’s go.
- Steelers: Takkarist McKinley (EDGE)- McKinley may be coming off shoulder surgery, but it’s too hard to pass on his great pass-rushing ability. The Pitt is rebuilding the Steel Beef Curtain faster than Trump is building the wall.
- Chokers (Falcons): Budda Baker (S)- Budda is nothing but zen, as his name would appropriate. Dan Quinn wants to add more strength to the secondary after getting his ass torched by an 80-year-old QB and his band of pesky white dudes.
- Packers (They’ll trade a 2nd rounder to the Saints): Adoree Jackson (CB)- Adoree is actually Dion Sanders. Do the right thing Ted Thompson. Don’t fuck me.
1. Cleveland Browns – Miles Garrett, DE, Texas A&M
The Browns can’t possibly fuck this up and go QB but at the same time, it’s Cleveland. If they’re smart they’ll take Garrett with this pick. There aren’t a lot of “sure things” in the Draft ever but Garrett is pretty close.
2. San Fransisco 49ers – Solomon Thomas, DE, Stanford
Thomas is slightly undersized for a professional D-End but what he lacks in size he makes up for with an incredible motor. Watch his bowl game last season and tell me he won’t be a beast at the next level.
3. Chicago Bears – Marshon Lattimore, CB, Ohio State
4.36 second 40’s don’t lie. With that kind of speed and elite ball skills Lattimore is going to terrorize pro secondaries. The knack on him is his lack of experience with only one year of experience. If Lattimore can rely on his physical skills to keep up with the NFL’s best he will soon be reliable corner in The League.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars – Jonathan Allen, DT, Alabama
You really can’t go wrong drafting anyone from Bama. If there was a stat to see what school produced the most busts, The Tide would be right at the bottom. Pair that with the dictionary of fitness moves, Allen is a solid pick for the Jags at 4. If not Allen, McCaffery goes here.
5. Tennessee Titans – Jamal Adams, SS, LSU
Tennessee is one of the more promising young rosters in the league and now they hold a top 5 pick. If they don’t trade down here they could definitely bolster their secondary with Adams. It’s also never a bad idea to pick from the tree of “DBU”.
6. New York Jets – Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
When evaluating this years quarterbacks the only player that really accomplished a whole lot in college was Watson. Two years, two National Championship appearances. An eye grabbing stat is that Watson is 5-1 as a postseason college quarterback. He wins the big games and he’s a running threat. If he can adapt to a more in-the-pocket system he’ll be a great QB of the future.
7. LA Chargers – Malik Hooker, FS, Ohio State
With all of the changes in the Charger’s organization, the lack of depth in the defensive backfield did not. Hooker was a vocal leader for the Buckeyes and will be a great addition to LA’s young defense.
8. Carolina Panthers – Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU
With Fournette’s combination of strength and breakaway ability. Depending how many carries he can get in the single back in Carolina I think him and Cam Newton could be a deadly combo for years to come. Also, bald guy = not much confidence so…. yea take that as you want
9. Cincinnati Bengals – Derek Barnett, DE, Tennessee
Another SEC Product Barnett brings another badass to the Cincy Defense. Cincy underachieved last year and now they’re looking to bounce back. Barnett has good size and just will have to catch up to the speed off the game.
10. Buffalo – Corey Davis, WR, Western Michigan
In my opinion I don’t see Davis as the best receiver on the board but I do see Buffalo taking a chance on him. His size is good size standing at 6’2 weighing 210 lbs with all of that being muscle. Also he does have a great vert and can get down the field in a flash. Buffalo isn’t close to a contender and look for the new coaching staff to make a splash.
11. New Orleans Saints – Reuben Foster, ILB, Alabama
12. Cleveland Browns – Mitchell Trubisky , QB, North Carolina
13. Arizona Cardinals – Mike Williams, WR, Clemson
14. Philadelphia Eagles – Tre’Davious White, CB, LSU
15. Indianapolis Colts – Haason Reddick, OLB, Temple
16. Baltimore Ravens – John Ross, WR, Washington
17. Washington Redskins – Zach Cunningham, OLB, Vandy
18. Tennessee Titans – OJ Howard, TE, Alabama
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Christian McCaffery, RB, Stanford
20. Denver Broncos – Ryan Ramczyk, OT, Wisconsin
21. Detroit Lions – Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan
22. Miami Dolphins – Forrest Lamp, OG, Western Kentucky
23. New York Giants – Garrett Bolles, OT, Utah
24. Oakland Raiders – Jarrad Davis, ILB, Florida
25. Houston Texans – Davis Webb, QB, California
26 Seattle Seahawks – Kevin King, CB, Washington
27. Kansas City Chiefs – Charles Harris, DE, Mizzou
28. Dallas Cowboys – Takkarist McKinley, OLB, UCLA
29. Green Bay Packers – TJ Watt, OLB, Wisconsin
30. Pittsburgh Steelers – Jabrill Peppers, SS, Michigan
31. Atlanta Falcons – Budda Baker, FS, Washington
32. New Orleans Saints – Pat Mahomes, QB, Texas Tech
The D3 Long Snapper:
- Browns: Myles Garrett, Edge, Texas A&M
Myles Garrett- “And because if you don’t draft me No. 1, I will punish your team for the next 10 to 12 years. I’ll knock your QB out of the game every time we play you, and I’ll have to kick the hell out of No. 1, whoever it is.” Too much upside with drafting a player making pre-draft pacts to disregard NFL safety policy and NFL quarterbacks, but major red flag with the control freak level planning.
2. 49ers: Jonathan Allen, DE, Alabama
I was finishing my mock really late at night and I got a major pre-morning woody for any player that went to bama. I ended up drafting like 5. This guy was the captain of that dreaded defense last year, also I think John Lynch has no balls to draft a safety with his first pick.
3. Bears: Jamal Adams, SS, LSU
Anybody that consistently wears 3 wrist bands up the length of their arm and isn’t under 10 or a douchebag deserves to be a top 3 pick. Plus Chris Conte should have no part in being a starter the NFL.
4. Jaguars: Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU
This guy fucks. Literally, he’s got a kid.
5. Browns (Trade 12th and later round pick to Titans for 5th): Mitch Trubisky, QB, UNC
Do you know what rhymes with Trubs? Fuckin Dubs baby.
6. Jets: Soloman Thomas, Edge, Stanford
The Jets are going to panic, try to trade down, not find any deals, panic some more, than draft another highly talented defensive lineman. Then probably sign Jay Cutler somewhere in there too.
7. Chargers: J Howard, TE, Alabama
I, without a doubt, believe the only reason the Chargers front office could only move to LA and hire a coach younger than their quarterback is because Philip wanted to make the first pick. He’s drafting the next Antonio Gates to learn behind Antonio Gates. Dream Scenario.
8. Panthers: Marshon Lattimore, CB, Ohio State
I don’t know if you watched any football last year, but I don’t think the Panthers even used cornerbacks, like at all.
9. Bengals: Derek Barnett, Edge, Tennessee
The Bengals are absolutely jonesing for a first-round playoff win. However, Marvin Jones is the most boring head coach in the NFL, and instead of giving AJ green a speedy guy off the edge, they’re going to draft the best guy available.
10. Bills: Mike Williams, WR, Clemson
Two receivers from Clemson, each having last names that start with W, sounds like a match made in heaven. Tyrod won’t ever need to run again.
11. Saints: Malik Hooker, FS, Ohio State
I’m sure getting any D-back for the Saints is a good idea. They literally lose games where they score like points.
12. Titans (from Browns): Corey Davis, WR, Western Michigan
Mariota is legit and so is this man.
13. Cardinals: Patrick Mahomes II, QB, Texas Tech
The Cardinals have a plethora of receivers to toss dimes, or bombs to this year. I watched the entire Cardinals All-or-Nothing, and I think that is a front office willing to bring a gunslinger in to try to win now because Carson is done.
14. Eagles: John Ross, WR, Washington
Browns will probably draft him number 1 after looking at his 40 time all day. Carson Wentz sucks, so give him more guys, or get rid of him before it’s too late.
15. Colts: Reuben Foster, ILB, Alabama
The Colts run defense is basically the same as a guy using a condom with a hole in it. No sensation and a baby. Lose, lose situation.
16. Ravens: Haason Reddick, OLB, Temple
The dude’s an absolute grinder. The over/under on how many times he wins the MNF Gruden Grinder is 2, and the Ravens only play once on MNF this year.
17. Redskins: Dalvin Cook, RB, Florida State
I mean I love fat Rob. I absolutely love everything about him, but I don’t see the Redskins sticking with him when they have a chance to get a high potential back whom they can groom into a 3 down workhorse.
18. Titans: Charles Harris, Edge, Missouri
Absolute sack monster in college. Just looks like a god damn football player.
19. Buccaneers: Ryan Ramcyzk, OT, Wisconsin
See Thomas, Joe. As Sonny would say, this pick makes it easier for Jameis to sling filthy milk darts to Mike Evans and DeSean Jackson.
20. Broncos: Cam Robinson, OT, Alabama
I think people are getting too excited by the smaller school tackles. There’s a good reason why this man was the best o-lineman at Alabama.
21. Lions: Takkarist McKinley, OLB, Lions
The Lions are on the verge of being a great team. Grabbing McKinley here to pair up with a healthy Ziggy Ansah sounds horrifying as a Packers fan.
22. Dolphins: Forrest Lamp, OG, Western Kentucky
The guy had a great combine, the Dolphins need offensive lineman, and he’s the guy.
23. Packers (Trade later picks to Giants): Christian McCaffrey, RB, Stanford
This would be the most unPacker move in history, but that’s why I think it’s going to happen. Teddy lost Sitton, Lang, Hyde, Tretter, and others. He’s planning something big for the 2017, never running the ball again, Packers. The tandem Stanford RB backfield would be the equivalent of Danny Woodhead and Darren Sproles on the field at the same time. The Packers will not run the ball this year. Period.
24. Raiders: David Njoku, TE, Miami
Might as well give potential 2017 MVP, Derek Carr, a freak athlete at their weakest skill position.
25. Texans: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
I wonder if the Texans could combine Watson and Savage into Deshaun Savage. That guy would win a Super Bowl.
26. Seahawks: Marlon Humphrey, CB, Alabama
I could of chose any corner here because the Seahawks front office still needs to put Richard Sherman in his place. I chose Marlon because of the Alabama thing I have going.
27. Chiefs: Jarrad Davis, ILB, Florida
The Chiefs have amazing edge players in Tamba Hali and Justin Houston. If they can add this defensive leader into the middle of the field, it can help fill the hole left by Poe.
28. Cowboys: Jabrill Peppers, ATH, Michigan
Just seems like the classic Jerry Jones move here. They also will use him everywhere.
29. Packers: J. Watt, Edge, Wisconsin
Story book right here. Every single Packer fan wants him, and since the fans own the team, do your job Teddy.
30. Steelers: Zach Cunningham, OLB, Vanderbilt
The Steelers defense ain’t no steel curtain anymore. When your best linebacker is 300 years old, still lifts like a freak though, you take a guy who had 125 tackles in the SEC.
31. Falcons: Taco Charlton, Edge, Michigan
The Falcons are preeeettty good. Taco is one of the highest upside players in the draft. Bring him in, coach him up, let him reign.
32. Saints: Adoree’ Jackson, ATH, USC
I don’t see a reason to grab a QB here. I want to see them take a player that can make an impact on defense and special teams right off the bat. He’s the guy.