Jabrill Peppers will join Reuben Foster in the NFL Drug Program this week for dilute drug test samples. Meaning, when they peed into their cups, their pee was too clear because they drank a lot of water. Foster said his pee was dilute because he had food poisoning. If you’ve ever been sick, you’ve probably been told to drink a lot of fluids to feel better, and you also know that you probably aren’t eating very much if you’re yakking because of something you ate.
Peppers said his peer was dilute because he has a history of cramping. If you’ve ever played sports, you’ve probably been told to stay hydrated to help prevent cramps.
You may be asking now, why would those legitimate reasons for having a lot of water in their bodies cause them to fail a drug test? Apparently, players who ripped too many marijuana darts or chugged too many beer shots would try to drink gallons of water before a test to make their pee too dilute to find high enough measures of the dirty drugs in their system. So, the NFL decided if your pee was too clear, you’re automatically on drugs. Seems fucked right?
I decided to think of a few other scenarios where NFL players would also fail drug tests due to dilute urine samples:
- Being too involved in a wet t-shirt contest
- Dunking too many of your buns during a hot dog eating contest
- Water chugging contest
- Belly flop contest
- Going to the Wisconsin Dells
- Eating too many Buffalo Wild Wings Blazin’ Wings
- Too many Ice Bucket Challenge Nominations
- Being Aquaman
- Being a sharing lover
The moral of the story is if you don’t do drugs, you still might be doing drugs in the eyes of the NFL.
-The D3 Long Snapper